TD is Vietnamese-French, born and raised in Paris, France. Her soon-to-be fiance is French, also born and raised in France. They have been dating for a little over a year and she is a little scared of how quickly things have progressed. She is wondering if cultural differences will ever become a problem in the future. She thinks she understands French culture very well since she has always associated with the French. But does he know her and her family well enough to understand Vietnamese culture? He did, though, have an opportunity to visit Vietnam earlier this year so he feels that he does. (Wait a minute, did France not colonize Vietnam at some time? We must have SOME things in common, do we not?) Her family has also tried to dissuade her by pointing out the cultural differences so now I am wondering if this is more so her family's fear than hers. All in all, she knows that he is the one for her and she trusts him with all of her heart, but she still wants to get an opinion.
In response to her e-mail, I requested that she and her fiance discuss exactly which cultural differences could be a problem. Exactly what was she afraid of? Religion? How they will raise their kids? How they will spend the holidays? Their roles as husband and wife? What is it exactly?
After sending the e-mail, I realized that the reason why 50% of marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce is because people simply do not talk enough about the future. Couples too often ignore problems or think they will be be able to figure them out as they "go along" but when the issues come up, it can put quite a strain on their marriage. I am not talking about basic stuff like: How many kids do we want? Where do we live? Who takes out the garbage? I am talking more about like, what if I want to quit my job and stay home with the kids? What amount of income do we think will be "enough" for us? How will we spend/save our money? How will we take care of our parents when they get sick? Would they live with us? How important is it to have children? Would we consider adoption if we could not have children?
The importance of these topics were brought to my attention not by my mother or girlfriends but by a book that my best friend bought for me. It is called, "The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You say 'I Do'" by Susan Piver. Ladies and gentlemen, please read this book if you and your significant other are considering marriage or commitment. Some of the questions are just plain fundamental and necessary. Check it out. You may be very surprised.
3 comments:
Dude good tip! I'm sending that book tip to ppl I know who are in a committed relationship.
It blows my mind that ppl simply don't ask the hard questions in the dating period b/c they're simply afraid of the truth. Like it'll get easier once they're married??? Uhm -- HELLO!
Very good to know. I especially like the fact that a book exists to help some of the helpless along.
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